Do you ever just sit there when suddenly it hits you: How the heck did I get here? I had a moment like this this week. I was in the middle of replying to a client regarding a photoshoot. She was asking if I would be available to shoot some photos of her daughter in late January for her first birthday. As I was typing the words ‘I’m so sorry but I will be on maternity leave’, it hit me and I stared at those words thinking how surreal they were.
For those who don’t know, our first pregnancy in May 2015 was a shock – I got pregnant while I was on The Pill. Christopher and I never wanted children and never really talked about it at all. I still remember us being in a complete daze the first couple of days after seeing the positive on the test stick. After the shock wore off, we became excited and began planning our future for our new family. A month later we said goodbye to our first baby and the dreams we had for him/her.
I look back at that time pretty often. Actually every day. I think about all our 3 babies we lost all the time. Being pregnant with a rainbow baby doesn’t mean it replaces what you lost and suddenly you have closure. At least for me it doesn’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever have closure from those losses. Maybe when I’m finally holding our son in my arms? Maybe in 10, 20 years? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m so thankful for that first pregnancy back in May 2015. If I had never gotten pregnant, I wouldn’t be sitting here now feeling our Baby Boy squirming and kicking. I would have never seen the looks of awe and joy on Christopher’s face every time he gets to feel his son kick. I would have never chosen Motherhood. I would have never known this feeling of being filled with all consuming love – for both my Son and my Husband.
And believe it or not, I’m also thankful for our losses. It’s forced me to really embrace and cherish every moment of this pregnancy. As I’m getting bigger and bigger and more and more uncomfortable, I’m reminded what it took for us to get here and what it means in the end. We finally get to hold and love our baby we had been waiting for. Chances are this will be my last pregnancy (unless we have another surprise along the way) and I’m grateful for the journey that brought us here today. We needed to go on this journey in order to grow as adults and parents and to appreciate this once in a lifetime moment in our lives.
I will never know the reasons why things happened the way they did but they happened and it’s part of our narrative now. And we’re pretty fortunate to get a happy ending along with a rainbow. A rainbow who has already brought so much color and love into our lives. Just like his siblings.